A Day We Remember Together

I had just finished my return to college.  Literally only a few short weeks before that day.  I was thrust into an already unstable job market after the "guaranteed" job I had lined up while still in school fell through.  I was still in a "honeymoon period" and enjoying not having to go to school or work.

My grandma was still living 2 hours away in Myrtle Point, and called often.  Still, 7 am was an unusual time for her to call, so when the phone woke me that morning I knew something was wrong.  "Turn on your TV." she said, her voice filled with panic.

I only had a 13-inch TV in my room at the time, but the tiny screen conveyed the events clearly.  I honestly thought I was watching a Hollywood stunt or something to that effect.  Grandma had other family to call, so she hung up with me.  I sat in the middle of my bed, huddled up with the covers, watching in a state of shock.

Faith woke up soon after, so I gathered myself and parked her in my bedroom with the TV turned to Nickelodeon.  She ended up spending the day in there, eating her meals on my bed to avoid exposing her to the horror.

I didn't have a laptop at the time, and Facebook/MySpace were not in use yet so I signed in to my blog and whatever messenger client I used at the time.  I spent the day running between the old office (now Faith's new bedroom) and the living room, trying to figure out what was going on.  At first, everyone thought it was a bomb, but once the 2nd plane hit, there was no doubt we were under attack.  Then the Pentagon....it was all so surreal.  By the end of the day, I was still in pajamas, wandering around the house in a state of shock.  I finally explained to Faith what happened, but since she was so young (not yet 6) I don't think she really understood.

It's so strange to look back and realize that all happened 10 years ago.  My memory is faulty at best, yet I still remember everything like it was yesterday.  So many lives were lost, for nothing more than the religious fervor of a few.

I'll leave you with a post from my old blog.  These are my own words, written that day.

Tuesday, September 11, 2001

I'm still in shock. Sitting here, going between the tv in the living room and the many many websites I've been reading...it still doesn't seem real. Watching the plane enter Tower 2....it doesn't look real. It looks like a scene from a movie. I guess our minds can't fathom this kind of heinous act. The people in my area are in a bit of a frenzy...a rumor has gone around about the rise in the cost of groceries and gas so the gas stations and grocery stores are overrun. The very first thing that came to mind this morning when I saw the towers come down was the movie the Fight Club. For those who haven't seen it...it's about a man whose evil side becomes real to him and he creates a terrorist group which ultimately blows up all the major buildings in New York City. *shudder* I kept seeing those final scenes in the movie where the buildings are going down and realizing how much the movie version looks like the real version. I hate the things these people have done. I hope they realize that even if they get away with what they've done in this life....what awaits after they die will be their justice. I believe in a merciful and just God...and I don't believe He will allow these people His guidance into the afterlife. I hope these thoughts of a horrible eternal afterlife keep them up at night, because I'm sure no confession, no amount of holy water, and no penance will absolve them of the sins they committed today.

Public - 9:32 PM

It's Good to Get Away

So much good has happened in the last few days.  I've been away from my laptop for most of the last 48 hours, and I have to say it felt good.  Sometimes it's great to unplug, even if I did cheat and read/email from my iPhone.

After a solid month of worry, a small financial windfall came my way and I was able to take Faith school clothes shopping.  Her spree was modest compared to previous years, but she's set for the start of school and a few months until the cold weather comes.

I've been living on a carefully planned budget all summer, so having some padding was a HUGE relief.  We've enjoyed a nice dinner at Olive Garden after school shopping, a trip to the river, and an impromptu road trip along the coast yesterday.

By impromptu, I mean literally the very last minute.  We left Grants Pass at 1:30, arriving in Brookings around 3. Unfortunately, it was totally fogged in and about 52 degrees there, which is not usually a big deal except we were dressed for 90+ degree heat back home, and hadn't brought any extra clothes.  Upon finding our favorite sushi restaurant closed for the holiday weekend (UGH!!  I wanted some escolar sashimi, darn it!), we decided to head north.  In Gold Beach, we found the other sushi restaurant had gone out of business.  It was then that I decided we would go further north to my old hometown, Coos Bay.  Need I mention it was already 4pm by this time, and we still had 80+ miles to drive?

The drive up the coast evoked some strong memories.  It was my first time driving that road since I left Coos Bay in 2000.  I'd only been back to the area twice since; once with grandma to settle some property she owned there, and once for a gymnastics meet with Faith.  Both times, I had driven the I-5 route.  Passing sites like Cape Blanco, Port Orford, Langlois all brought different memories.

It was astonishing to see how little Coos Bay and the areas surrounding it have changed in 11 years.  The Mill Casino is the star attraction of course, and it has grown exponentially, but otherwise the town looks like the day I left it.

We had a fabulous dinner at Benetti's, another memory stimulant.  They have a handmade gnocchi baked in parmesan and mozzarella that whops so much flavor and deliciousness in each bite that it was worth the 350 mile round-trip drive to get it.  When I lived in the area, I spent my birthdays here.  It was a bittersweet meal.

After dinner, we drove out to Sunset Bay state park and watched the sun set over the water.  We had intended to go out to Horsefall Beach to lie on the sand and watch the stars, but with the holiday weekend there were far too many people for it to be enjoyable.  It was probably a good thing, because by now it was 9pm and I was incredibly tired.  I eyed the local motels with Vacancy signs longingly, but I had left my seizure medication at home and we would have had to sleep in our clothes.  There were several friends I could have called that would have put us up as well, but it was not the right time to drop in on someone out of the blue.

After filling up with gas (OUCH), we started across Highway 42 towards home.  The traffic was light, and the road so familiar that I felt I could drive it with my eyes closed.  In Coquille, I pointed out the gloomy plywood factory where I had worked for several years to Faith, and she agreed that it looked grim.  Once back on the dark road, we enjoyed the beauty of a golden crescent moon, hanging low in the southern sky.

I couldn't pass through Myrtle Point faster.  The town holds so many bad memories that I get anxious when it comes into sight.

The rest of the trip was uneventful, aside from a man lying on the side of the freeway in Canyonville.  I almost called 911, but I saw a police car heading that way in my rear view mirror.  I did look at the news to see if there was a report of a dead body, but I imagine he was just someone in the wrong place.

I was happy to see home, probably for the first time in a while.  The day contained too many memories, and being here wiped them clean.  I'm guessing it's true....you can't go home again.

Of Peace and Starlight

(unaltered, from my iphone)

Tonight we took a well-deserved drive out to our super-secret stargazing spot.  While I was weather-watching a storm predicted to come through tomorrow, I saw from the weather website that there would be no moon tonight - perfect for seeing the stars.  With gas being so expensive, we haven't taken the 20+ mile (one way) drive out there all summer.  We've stargazed from other spots, but they all have some degree of light pollution.  Once I decided we would go, I was so happy I could have cried.

Sunset is around 8 pm right now, so we waited anxiously to leave.  We didn't make it out until 8:30 because of the relentless phone, but once we got away from the city lights, we rolled down the windows and enjoyed the warm breeze.

My favorite part of the drive is when we enter the canyon at Hellgate.  There are no streetlights, very few homes, and the road is only lightly traveled at night.  The air starts to smell slightly of the river, a mossy, green smell.  The closer we get to the river, the cooler the air gets.

The next landmark is the Hellgate bridge, where the river switches from the driver side to the passenger side.  The bridge glows eerily under headlights, with indigo twilight in the distance.  I can already see a few stars by this point, and I'm anxious to get to our destination.

Next we pass through Indian Mary campground, which is full on a warm August night.  The glow of the campfires is comforting, as is the sweet, spicy smell of the campfires.  We slow down to enjoy it as long as we can.

Beyond there, we wind through forests and more canyon, the river smell punctuated by roadside blackberries that ripened in the warm sun of daytime.  The river undulates in a beautiful dance with the road....sidling closer until she's nearly touching, then sashaying out of reach.

After miles of one-laned road, we pass over our final landmark....Graves Creek bridge.  A little known road takes us high above the river, until she's barely a glossy ribbon twinkling in the starlight.  Our secret spot slides into view, and we excitedly jump out of the car to claim our spots.  We always sit the same way, Faith facing east, me facing west.  I lie back and allow the peace to wash over me.  It's like a powerful tranquilizer, with peace and quiet and tranquility rolled into one.  The only sounds are made by nature - no engines, no talking, no music.  It's so amazing to realize the world can actually be silent.

We spend at least an hour pointing out stars to each other....laughing at those cheeky enough to flash us, making wishes on the falling stars we're lucky enough to find.  Sometimes we talk about life in a way that we seem to be unable to accomplish otherwise.  Other times we waste far too much time locating skittery noises with our cell phones (who needs flashlights these days?).  On the best nights, we just lie in silence and revel in wonder.

One of my favorite childhood memories is right after I got glasses.  Before my eyesight problem was discovered, the night sky was a blur of black covered in fuzzy white spots (only the brightest stars were visible to my unfocused eyes).  One night, when the sky was really clear and it was super-warm outside, I crept outside with my glasses and laid in the backyard.  We lived far out in the country, so there was no light pollution.  I was so astonished that the stars were actually sharp pinpoints that I spend too much time looking at the sky, and fell asleep.  Thankfully I woke before (a) something could eat me and (b) my mom found me.  I tried lying outside many times after that, but it was never again so wonderful as that night.  Now, as an adult, the closest I come to that joy is the nights we drive to our super-secret spot and share the sky.

Driving home is bittersweet.  I'm so relaxed that I'm sleepy, but still feel euphoric.  I want to stay out all night and absorb the universe, but reality awaits back home.  At least, until I can run away again.

Memories of Dinner

One of the issues I'm working on with my therapist is my perception of food.  When someone says dinner, I think of preparing food.  However, when I hear "meal," I think of special meals, like Thanksgiving or Christmas.  I put too much emphasis on the specialness of the event, rather than the actual food.

Anyway, when asked to think of a happy food memory, I recalled the days in my childhood when I was allowed to have a TV dinner.  Not the plastic tray kind that microwave in a few minutes that we have today; the old foil tray meals of the '70s-'80s that had to be cooked in the oven.  These:

Well, not this exact meal, but the kind that came with an entree, a veggie, a starch (almost always mashed potatoes), and a dessert.  It came in the same cardboard box, but the tray AND the wrapping were foil.  You had to cut the foil around certain pieces so they baked correctly, and then they took 25-40 minutes depending on what kind they were.  My all-time favorite was Salisbury Steak, with mashed potatoes, corn (or green beans, can't remember which), and a brownie.  I was sooooo fascinated by the fact that everything cooked perfectly together!

TV dinners were even more special when I was visiting my grandma, because mealtimes were always at the table with the TV off.  However, for an occasional treat she would bring out the TV trays, and we would eat TV dinners in the living room (while watching TV, of course).  Her house was always spotless, so we had to be super super careful with our meals.  I even got soda when we had TV dinners!  And we usually had a bowl of ice cream after dinner, even though our TV dinners included a dessert.

I kind of miss the specialness of those old dinners.  The quality of the food has certainly improved since then, but with microwave speed and dinners eaten away from the table on a nightly basis, it's just not the same.  Oddly, my mom thought of those dinners as junk food....but compared to a super-sized fast food dinner, the portion-size and quality of the food in TV dinners is actually better for you today!  

Some days, I really do yearn for the "good ol' days".....

On Being Native

A few of my friends know I have Alaska Native heritage.  I'm not entirely sure of the exact percentage of native blood I have, but it's enough that I'm registered with the Bureau of Indian Affairs and entitled to benefits available to native Americans.  I do not live in an area where native medical services are readily available, so I don't use them....that is the only benefit I would even consider.  I feel I'm not native enough to qualify for anything else.

When my mom passed away in 1998, I inherited her shares in a very large native corporation.  It has created a comfortable cushion for us financially as it pays regular quarterly dividends and occasional large extra dividends. In 2000, it paid a very, VERY large (5 figure) dividend, which enabled me (financially) to finalize my divorce and provide a better lifestyle for Faith and myself.  I also inherited shares in a smaller corporation, but it has yet to pay dividends to its shareholders.

Due to family issues (a blog in and of itself), I was not notified when my grandma (mom's mom) died in 2000.  Not that I was too bothered with this as I didn't really know her, and what I did know was not in her favor.  So, I was surprised to be contacted by another smaller native corporation in 2009 stating that I had inherited a portion of my grandmother's stock.  It would have been my mother's, but since she was deceased the shares passed to me.  I only own 23 shares, but it enables me to benefit from other services offered by the corporation, such as scholarships and business loans.

You can imagine my further shock when I opened the mail today to find yet another corporation contacting me regarding my grandmother's stock shares.  Once I return the paperwork, the shares that were to go to my mother will be mine.  I'm sure it will be another 23 share percentage, but I'll once again gain access to this corporation's other services.

Honestly, the dividends (aside from the large corporation's) don't mean anything to me.  What's most important to me are the scholarships offered by each corporation.  Faith has announced her intention to attend the University of Washington (go Huskies!) after high school, so we'll need as much financial assistance as possible to make it happen.  Merit and academic-based scholarships are becoming increasingly hard to acquire due to overwhelming need, so these privately offered scholarships will be vital.  When I first went to college, I didn't know these corporations would help pay for my tuition.  Had I known, my life might have turned out quite differently.  I'm determined Faith will have the opportunities I didn't.