Turning the Darkness Inside Out

I've spoken about my struggles with anxiety and depression quite often....first on my original blog, then on Facebook, and now here.  I have pretty severe anxiety issues, for those of you who don't know me.  I've struggled off and on with depression, which came to a head and exploded in 1997 when I attempted (and nearly succeeded) suicide.  My release from the hospital's psych ward was only approved when  I agreed to a year of intense therapy.  After the year was over, I had faced most of the issues and was well enough to be off meds.

Around 2005, the anxiety became so out of hand that I went back on meds - at the time, Effexor XR.  Once I started dealing with other serious medical issues, it was found that the Effexor was interfering with the seizure meds I was taking, so I was moved to Pristiq.  Pristiq is a fairly new med, which translates to ridiculously expensive.  Thankfully, my doctor at the time gave me samples every month since I had lost my insurance coverage.  The new laws regarding drug rep samples caused my doctor's stockpile of Pristiq to end, and I wound up on Lexapro.

In the last few months, I've begun having more and more anxiety attacks, despite the meds.  I also changed doctors (to a clinic that would accommodate my lack of insurance), and while he was willing to continue my prescription, he leaned heavily on getting me back into counseling.

Since 1998 (when the year was up after my suicide attempt), I had only been back to counseling once.  It was in 2005 when I went back on meds, through my employer's EAP (Employee Assistance Program).  My personality clashed with the counselor's, and I ended the sessions after two visits because I just couldn't relate to her.  Needless to say, the thought of counseling had about as much appeal as pulling my toenails off one-by-one.

I broke down and agree though, hoping I could finally get a handle on this issue once and for all.  Today was my first session, and I'm really encouraged.  I really like my therapist, and we went through an astonishing amount of issues in one 1-hour session.  I'll be going back once a week indefinitely for the time being.

I'm hoping this really puts my life on an upswing.  Honestly I don't see that it has anywhere to go but up at this point!