Grandma - Why I Can't Do This Anymore

I posted on Facebook last night about my grandma, but I want to give a more detailed description of what is going on.

As you know, grandma was in the ER for the umpteenth million time for a bladder infection turned mental issue.  She was ordered by the doctor to come home with me, and he advised me to contact the hospital's patient advisor to arrange for home care for her (nothing new, we did it after her hospitalization for pneumonia).  She stayed one night, and insisted on going home the next morning.  Since then, she's refused to allow us to bring in home care for her, and we've brought in her mail and everything she needs - resulting in daily trips to the store, pharmacy, and various other locations.  I spend at least an hour every day on the phone with her, but since being in the ER that time has doubled.  She's decided that her illness was caused by the anniversary of her daughter's (my aunt) death - 6 years ago May 21.  This has opened a floodgate of grieving for her, and she's revealed a lot of horrible things that happened in the past.  My aunt's father (grandma's first husband) raped her when she was 7.  I'm still dealing with my own abuse at the hands of her 4th husband (step-grandpa, but the only grandfather I knew on that side of the family), and honestly hearing about my aunt's abuse has re-opened old wounds.

In the last few years, it seems I've turned into some sort of therapist for grandma.  Our daily phone calls are constant sessions of her digging up old traumas and rehashing them over and over.  She's 88 and has never gotten over her mother's neglect.  She bemoans the loss of my father, who walked out of my life when I was a year old and completely cut her out of his life when I was 18.  She constantly grieves for my aunt, and hates her daughters.  As much as she hates them, she brings them up EVERY SINGLE DAY.  She can hardly remember her name most days, but she remembers her father telling her to sit in some pedophile's lap for $5 when she was a little girl (she didn't, but apparently it left an impression).  Her first husband beat her and tried to kill her (and, as stated above, raped my aunt).  Her second husband was worthless as well.  Her third (my real grandfather) was a nice man, but an alcoholic with end-stage liver disease that he kept secret from grandma.  He died when my father was 2.  Her fourth husband (step-grandpa) was an ex-POW in WWII (his story comes tomorrow) and came home from 42 months of imprisonment a madman.  She ended up married to him for 25 years, and says he threatened to kill her every single day.  I've heard stories about him holding guns to her head, threatening to kill family, etc.  He was a horribly evil man.  That's all I have to say about that.

While she's bringing all this up, I'm struggling to deal with it.  I've told her numerous times that she needs to be back in therapy, but she says it doesn't help her.  She takes a mild tranquilizer and a daily anti-depressant, but those obviously aren't doing their job for her.

When she falls deeply into this grieving/depressant state, she lashes out.  Suddenly she needs to talk to me 4, 5, 6 times a day (our record is 9); I can't do anything right, and if I don't do things her way, she blows up and hurts my feelings.  Last night, I had already talked to her 4 times that day.  She was going through pictures, and grieving again for my aunt.  She normally goes to bed around 7, but sometimes doesn't go to sleep until 11-ish....but my thought is, when you're in bed, the phone shouldn't ring.  So, Faith wasn't due back from Boatnik until 7, and I knew she would be in bed, if not sleeping.  Around 8, she called (it was apparent from her voice that she had more than her normal 3 cocktails that evening) and asked if Faith was home.  Since she wasn't (she ended up meeting up with one of her teachers, so I felt comfortable letting her stay), grandma started calling my parenting into question.  She railed at me for not "keeping her updated" with what is going on, brought up the fact that I had forgotten to buy her cottage cheese (it wasn't on the list and we had just bought two huge containers a week before), and ended up hanging up on me.  It's after 1pm now, and I still haven't heard from her since then.

This is what she does - she gets pissed off, lashes out at me, and makes me wait for an apology - knowing it drives me nuts to have unsettled business that lasts any length of time.  Usually, she calls me within a few hours, but I guess she wants me to suffer.  I haven't done anything wrong - I'm 37, my daughter is 14 and very trustworthy, and she was well-chaperoned.  I refuse to call her and ask what is going on, because this is the game she plays.  I absolutely HATE games, to the depths of my being.  So, when she calls and pretends like last night didn't happen, I have to play along or she'll go right back into her snit and hurt me again.  It will continue until I concede.  I've obviously been down this road before.

A while back, one of the people I really looked up to turned her back on me because I was venting on my Facebook page about the daily dealings with grandma.  She called me a drama queen and admonished me for complaining when I should just love my grandma.  Sure, she just saw the venting....but it was crushing to know what she "really" thought of me.  If I don't vent, I can't handle her calmly and lovingly.  Honestly, it's so hard to love her tolerate her (as a good friend just told me) when she's trying her damnedest to hurt me.  I will always love her, she's been a strong influence in my life.  It's my turn to be strong for her, but I'm not made of the right stuff to withstand what she doles out.  I hate that she can't just go peacefully in her sleep some night and avoid all this horribleness.  I can't imagine how awful it must be to be trapped in her mind and body like this - she's always been so independent, so chic, so beautiful that it's heartbreaking to see her decline.

I'll leave you with a pic of how beautiful she is.  This was taken on her honeymoon with husband #4 (before he revealed his psychosis).  This is how I will forever remember her and I'll do my best to push out these bad years.

More Grandma Drama

Sorry it's been a while since I posted.  Friday afternoon, grandma had me pick up some cranberry juice for her, saying she had a bladder infection.  She gets them frequently, and has a standing prescription for Macrobid from her doc (which she had filled and kept on hand after the last infection), so I didn't think much of it.

Saturday morning at 6:30 am she calls me extremely disoriented.  She thinks it's daytime, that we've gone somewhere recently (we haven't) and describes our imaginary trip in detail.  I ask her to go to bed after taking her temp (99.6) and taking a Macrobid.  Two hours later, she calls again and has now completely lost all her marbles.  She tells me she's been throwing up, and can't get up off the floor.  So, I called 911, dressed in about 11.6 seconds, and raced to her house.  When I got there, she seemed fairly lucid, except she thought it was 1940 something and I was some neighbor she used to have.  She doesn't remember either phone call with me, being on the floor, how her lip is now swollen and bruised, or having a bladder infection.

*Just a side note here - why the hell do the cute EMT guys come when I look like I just rolled out of bed?  One of her EMTs was adorable!  I still had sleep in my eyes, hair thrown up in a haphazard bun, wrinkled hoodie and yoga pants, and not a stitch of makeup.  I was mortified!*

The EMTs, bless them, packed her up and had her out in just a few minutes - even though she was resistant and insisting on driving herself (yeah.....I don't think so).  As I was waiting for the ambulance to pull out, I laid my head on the steering wheel of my car and had a good cry.  The female EMT must have seen me, she came over and had a quick chat with me, trying to make me feel better.  I explained to her that I wasn't scared or overly upset, just frustrated with the changes grandma is going through.  She was wonderful, and I really appreciate that she took the time to pat me on the back and give me some reassuring words.

When we got to the hospital, it was fairly quiet, so grandma got a bed right away and IVs started.  She received 2 bags of fluid right away (extremely dehydrated), and they ran all sorts of tests - blood, urine, head scan (due to the potential fall and disorientation), scan of her lungs (to rule out pneumonia) and a few others that I can't remember.  Honestly, they didn't find anything but the remnants of her bladder infection.  She's pretty darn healthy for almost 89.

She did NOT want to be released because she was still confused, but without anything really wrong with her, they sent her home.  I wouldn't allow her to be on her own, so she came to my house and stayed with me.  From the moment she got home (around 4-5 pm), she slept.  When she woke Sunday at 11-ish, she started insisting on going home.  So, once we fed her breakfast and I oversaw her medications, we took her home.  We talked this morning, and she seems to be her old self again, thankfully.

It is astonishing to me how something as simple as a bladder infection can cause terrible disorientation in seniors.  This article describes how easy it is for a senior to go from completely normal to confused and disorientated in a snap when it comes to infections.

I'm so angry with my family for putting her care on my shoulders.  Don't get me wrong, I will always be here for her and would do anything to keep her on this earth, but I'm 37.  I have my own health problems and a child to raise.  They will call after she's been sick or in the hospital and then get mad at me for not caring for her properly.  Not a single one of them has offered to help me.  As far as I am concerned, every single one of them can go to hell if they don't like how I care for her - I'm doing the best I can with what I have to work with.  I love her so much - all they care about is her estate.

The Grandma Diaries

I know a lot of you have heard me complain about my grandma.  Please don't get me wrong....I love her dearly. Besides Faith, she is literally my ONLY close relative.  She's been a special person in my life since I was an infant, and we've always shared a very close relationship.

Her aging has destroyed her.  She has been in some form of dementia for the last couple of years, which causes her to be forgetful, given to bouts of anger and frustration, and has dropped her into a major depression.  She went from independent to the extreme to being nearly unable to do anything for herself.  Lately, she's gotten to where she can't even leave the house to get her mail, so we go over every day and get it for her.  Today, we took her recycling in and bought groceries for her.  On a daily basis, I shop, clean, pay bills, and do errands for her.  If I'm lucky, I get one day a week away from it.  And the phone calls.....according to our phone bill, we AVERAGED 2 1/2 hours EVERY SINGLE DAY on the phone.  Her life has been full of rich and amazing adventures, but I have heard each adventure at least 10 times.  Lately, she has totally turned into a crabby complainer....nobody can do anything right and nothing makes her happy.  And, since I'm in her line of fire, I get the bullets.  I've left her house in tears more times than I can count.

I look back 5, 10, 15 years and yearn for the relationship we used to have.  It was a balanced mix of her criticism and her love.  My father (who was never in my life) abandoned her and disappeared from her life, likely because of the way she treated him.  Even in the best of times, she's incredibly judgmental and manipulative.  She actually enjoys reminding me of the mistakes I've made (if I'm reminded again how I ruined everyone's lives by marrying my ex-husband, I may scream) and seems to purposely hurt my and Faith's feelings by making horrible comments about our appearance.  I knew what she was like when I was younger and I accepted it.  Now, with the helplessness thrown in, she's become RUTHLESS.

I view Facebook as something of a journal where I can express myself freely.....unfortunately, a few "friends" didn't feel that way.  When I vented about my frustration with grandma, I lost several of these "friends."  Before their departure, I was admonished for complaining.  I'm still a little pissed about that....you don't live my life, you have no idea how hard this is.  I am trying to raise a teenager, deal with my own health issues, and take on the care of my beloved grandma who seems to have disappeared behind this frail, angry person.  I vent here so I can keep myself from exploding at her.

If you come away with anything from this entry, please let it be this - I love my grandma.  What I don't like is the disease that has robbed her of herself.  I would never abandon her or give up trying to be strong for her.  The only way I can do it is to let off steam now and then.

Thanks for reading.