Friday, October 7, 2011

A Heart Fulfilled

I am so wide awake right now, but for once it's not insomnia torturing my mind.  Tonight, I am awake because I'm in love.

I know, it sounds trite.  Honestly, I'm searching for words to describe the incredible feeling that is coursing through my soul right now, but none seem right.

I am not a woman who has experienced real love.  I've considered myself "in love," but I've never really, truly felt it.  It sounds as confusing to read as it is to experience, so bear with me.  I married my ex-husband because he was good to me at the time.  Did that mean I loved him?  Perhaps, but it was not a fulfilling love.  It was very one-sided, and I quickly grew away from my feelings toward him.  The most recent relationship I was in was the antithesis of love.  I thought what I was feeling was love, but it was not....he was able to manipulate me into believing his hollow words.  What I was really feeling was a deep need for him to cherish me, and that never happened.  In between these two men, there have been others with similar emotions.

Tonight, I felt what love really feels like.  I heard the words for the first time, spoken without expectation or manipulation.  My heart made a funny leap and my stomach filled with butterflies.  My head spun as I felt the impact of those beautiful words, and my breath was but a sigh.  For once, my mind didn't fight against the reality, rather it wrapped itself around the emotion and I felt a rush of endorphins.  There is no drug in the world that can compare to knowing you are loved.

The intensity of the love I have for him is deeper than I have ever felt.  I had emptied my heart long before I met him, convinced I would not find anyone who could love me with my flaws.  I became an empty shell, going through the motions of life but not really experiencing it.  Then, he came along and like a pitcher of hope, filled me until I was brimming with happiness.  As I said to a dear friend, that is a gift I don't know how to say "thank you" for.  I will make it my goal to show him every day how happy he has made me.

My heart is fulfilled.  I love you like I have loved no other.

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