Hmmm. This is a hard blog to write, as it exposes a few things about myself that I've packed away in a corner to deal with later. Perhaps it's time to pull them out and analyze them.
I had a very bad dream last night that shook me....is still shaking me a bit. I felt such a palpable loss in the dream that I woke crying and in total fear that it had actually happened. Once I had confirmed that it had not and the person in question was safe, the relief I felt was profound. It caused me to wonder why the feelings were so strong, and I've wandered a path of insight all morning.
I suppose the biggest issue I have to deal with right now is hearing words (or phrases) that have been used against me in the past and not feeling suspicion that they have a different meaning. An example - "I just want to spend time with you. Even if we don't have sex, that's fine....I just want to be with you." In my experience, that's actually translated to "I really only want you for sex, but you seem to need these words of comfort in order to let me in." Another example is "I'm attracted to your mind, not your looks." Translated - "These are the words you need to hear in order for me to manipulate you into believing that I'm a good person, and that you won't discover that I'm using you." Not once have those words been said to me and backed up with actual meaning. I've been burned by them time and time again. Now, I hear them and I'm instantly suspicious. A part of me still wants to believe the words are true, but the old adage rings true about sticking your hand in the fire - it only take a few burns to make you realize the fire hurts, so you should keep your hands out of it.
I want to understand why people manipulate. Obviously there is a selfish need that is being satisfied....but at what cost? You're hurting someone else, but what are you doing to your own psyche? Does there not come a time when you look in the mirror and see what a monster you've become? Does there come a time when you can no longer live with the ghosts of the pain you've caused?
I want to believe that in the end, those who manipulate wake up and realize what they've done and change for the better. Unfortunately, I doubt this is the reality.
Faith, I can only tell you that what you've experienced, as tragic as it is, is extremely common between men & women, & not only young ones. It's good, though, that you're learning this lesson earlier in life rather than later. I have three grown daughters myself, so I'm familiar with what you're going through, & I hate to sound like "an old lady", but my dear, it's called "growing up". You've heard the lies, & believed them, then been terribly hurt. Now, you're smarter & know enough not to believe men when they say such things. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but to my mind a real man will never use words & tactics like those you described. He will care enough about you & will value your relationship enough to wait until you're both sure the time is right to move it to on a deeper level. When the time is right you will both know & can take it from there. This, I believe, is how to tell the difference between a guy who wants you for you & not just for what he can get out of you. As to men regretting the pain they cause by using women, I think most men who use women this way don't regret it for many years, because they're too immature & self-centered to care until they grow up emotionally. Many such men never do grow up emotionally, & go on hurting women their whole lives. Many also get into drinking &/drugs to relieve their guilt & continue their wretched ways. This sounds so negative, but for this type of personality I believe it is the truth, at least from my experience. I have been happily for 32+ years to a good man like the one I described. But my daughters have had some terrible experiences with the other type, & I've held their hands, dried their tears & helped all I could to get them through those times, & now they are all happily married to good men. May you someday find your good man & the happiness of a genuinely loving & caring relationship. On a lighter note, we live on 4 acres on Lake Shore Drive in Selma, & I don't know how my hubby stumbled onto your blog since he's NOT a blogger at all, but we really enjoyed your pictures & your trip down "memory lane". Blessings, Gina
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