Hmmm. This is a hard blog to write, as it exposes a few things about myself that I've packed away in a corner to deal with later. Perhaps it's time to pull them out and analyze them.
I had a very bad dream last night that shook me....is still shaking me a bit. I felt such a palpable loss in the dream that I woke crying and in total fear that it had actually happened. Once I had confirmed that it had not and the person in question was safe, the relief I felt was profound. It caused me to wonder why the feelings were so strong, and I've wandered a path of insight all morning.
I suppose the biggest issue I have to deal with right now is hearing words (or phrases) that have been used against me in the past and not feeling suspicion that they have a different meaning. An example - "I just want to spend time with you. Even if we don't have sex, that's fine....I just want to be with you." In my experience, that's actually translated to "I really only want you for sex, but you seem to need these words of comfort in order to let me in." Another example is "I'm attracted to your mind, not your looks." Translated - "These are the words you need to hear in order for me to manipulate you into believing that I'm a good person, and that you won't discover that I'm using you." Not once have those words been said to me and backed up with actual meaning. I've been burned by them time and time again. Now, I hear them and I'm instantly suspicious. A part of me still wants to believe the words are true, but the old adage rings true about sticking your hand in the fire - it only take a few burns to make you realize the fire hurts, so you should keep your hands out of it.
I want to understand why people manipulate. Obviously there is a selfish need that is being satisfied....but at what cost? You're hurting someone else, but what are you doing to your own psyche? Does there not come a time when you look in the mirror and see what a monster you've become? Does there come a time when you can no longer live with the ghosts of the pain you've caused?
I want to believe that in the end, those who manipulate wake up and realize what they've done and change for the better. Unfortunately, I doubt this is the reality.